Guilty

Something I don't remember feeling as much of before I had children.  I feel like it was easy to make myself happy and easy to make others happy...at least that's how I remember it in my own little world (which may not be exactly how it was!)  But now that there are kids in the picture, things have definitely changed.  And as much joy, laughter, greatness, etc. that they bring into our lives, those little people sure bring on a lot of G-U-I-L-T.  It comes in lots of different forms...from having to return to work and feeling guilty for leaving them or choosing to stay home and then feeling guilty that you could be providing them with more if you did work.  From choosing to or only able to have only one child and feeling the guilt that they will never share life with a sibling to having more than one and feeling the guilt day in and day out that one of them is not getting as much 'individual time' or attention as the other.  For three years, I have struggled with all of these scenarios and today, more of the 'G' word was added to this ever-growing list. 
While I managed to get both girls (and TOH!) down for naps at the same time today, I was flipping through channels and came across an interview with Nicole Richie.  Knowing that she has two little ones around the same age as Bug and Monkey, I stopped to listen.  The topic of conversation was how she is raising her kids 'green, organic, vegan, etc.'  Examples:  she has no dairy in the house, no sugar, no canned foods, strictly organic, made-from-scratch meals, organic clothing, no plastic toys, no battery-operated toys, home cleaners made from ingredients in the pantry.  And these are only the examples she could rattle off during the two-minute interview.
As I sat there and listened to her go on and on, my eyes started to wander around our living room...from where I was sitting, I saw sugar-filled Christmas cookies, a sippy-cup filled with milk, a can of mandarin oranges left over from lunch, and toys...if they're not plastic, you can sure bet they're battery-operated (although they did get quite a few sets of wooden puzzles and blocks for Christmas, so there's a positive...). 
I instantly felt like crap. Like the worst mom ever.  I put the girls to bed tonight thinking, 'I am so sorry that I am not doing more for you...'  I know that most of us have grown up with plastic, batteries, non-organic everything, and many of us will live til we're 80+, but she just made me feel like I am doing such a disservice to my kids and I should do better as a parent. 

Did she get into my head, yes.  Am I going to go psycho-crazy because of this, no.  But I do feel like I can at least make some kind of attempt to change some things.  Although she can't sell me on the whole toy idea...I'm going to give the sugar, canned-foods, (some) organic, and home-made cleaners more of a shot.  Considering I gag everytime TOH cleans the kitchen floor with that god-awful Pine-Sol crap, I would be happy to make our own!  (yes, he does the floors...yes, love him.)

So, with that being said, even though I am pathetically sitting here feeling like a lump full of guilty crap, I'm going to try and end it with a positive...

Here's to a new year filled with less guilt. 

It may take a little work, but these two are worth it.